Dementia at a Distance and Up Close

Learning that someone has Dementia is shocking as well as upsetting. Even at a distance, one can hear the lost ramblings of the individual who doesn’t realize they are lost. Up close, it is disturbing and real, not for the person whose mind is being burned away, but for those who have to witness it.

Add to this disease a heavy dose of Passive Aggressive behavior and toss in the remnants of a controlling nature as well as large slug of alcoholism (Another addition is a tendency towards violence.) and the mix results in one nasty individual who bears no semblance to the person they once were.

This person who always made sure there was food on the table. Who, every Valentine’s Day, got his kids chocolates and cards – the sweets were always in the obligatory heart shaped box – and who delighted in getting “surprise” gifts for the family.

This individual who had a clear grasp on every aspect of business and an innate ability to master new tasks effortlessly is gone. All these parts have narrowed down to non existence as their world becomes about what they want, which changes by the moment, and what they need.

From a distance, it is very easy for friends and family members to dismiss the unsettling nature of this behavior. Not living with the stress and strain of how each day will begin or end exacts a certain toll on the people who deal with this up close.

Where one day, or one moment, the sufferer of this disease can be friendly, laughing and congenial and then suddenly, shockingly, change. Stalking around the property yelling that they “told that kid to get out and never come back.”


Believing that one child had flown out in the middle of nowhere to tell them off…


To spit at the sight of one of the other children…


To have their expression suddenly change to one of pure hate in mid conversation…


To suddenly become watchful; suddenly appearing like some confused angry jack in the box wanting to know what is going on and “who’s out there!”


To suddenly retrieve their pistol and load it, “because I might just need to use it.”

Amazingly enough, there is some sort of mechanism that allows them to “play” normal. Whether this is the vestiges of their Passive Aggressive traits that enables this is not known but it is, nonetheless, disturbing. It should be pointed out, however, that “playing” normal is not the same as being normal. Check to see if the individual can maintain this behavior.

They cannot.

Regardless of what things transpire and are observed from a distance, being close to the disease is like living in a nightmare that one cannot wake from. Dementia is frightening for everyone, the one suffering from it and the ones dealing with it.

The stress of living with a stranger who looks the same as someone you once knew, loved and respected .

Memories are another cause of upset. Dementia burns away the person once known and the people who knew them “back in the day,” will find emotions swaying from support to alarm, from fond recollections to anger, and, most of all, frustration and depression.

Until one is thrust into the arena of the disease, no one can understand how unstable and uncertain life is around that individual. Trying to deal with the upset and anger while remembering what they used to be like. The sadness at seeing what their world has now become combined with the struggle to recall that there was love and a whole person in there once upon a time.

Trying to “second guess” what triggers will set them off can be a full time job. Attempting to explain to those who visit what things are like when, at the moment, they seem fine is another exercise in frustration.  A lot of time will be spent trying to fight a certain amount of doubt as to whether or not this person really does not mean the things they are saying and doing.

The world of Dementia is confusing up close. From a distance the sufferer can be seen to handle some things easily, in other words normally, and this conflicts with the picture drawn by those who deal with this day to day.  There are support groups available on the Internet, if one has access to it, and in a lot of communities. These can often provide feedback from people with a much better understanding of what living with this disease is really like.


Bill Compton (The Southern Vampire Mysteries)
Bill Compton (The Southern Vampire Mysteries) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Vampires, we are told, are fictional creatures that suck the ‘life force’ out of us mere mortals. They are incredibly strong and can only be killed or hurt by sunlight, holy water, garlic, crucifixes and wooden stakes. These supernatural “un-dead” beings can either drain us dry and extinguish our ‘light’ or they can transform us into carbon copies of themselves.


Vampires are wildly popular in media at the moment. I personally think author Anne Rice is responsible for this upsurge in popularity. She really started it all with her Interview With  A Vampire. I think the less said about Stephanie Meyer‘s “non-vampire” series and it’s celluloid equivalent the better. In either case, the vampires are still considered to be fictional creatures. Whether you are talking about author Bram Stokers’ Count Dracula or True BloodsBill Compton, they are not real, but characters developed by pen and actor.


I believe though, that vampires do exist. Not in the supernatural realm but in every day life.  These ‘real-life’ vampires do not drain our blood. They do, however, drain our life-force. They also have to same power to extinguish our ‘light’ or to transform us into carbon copies of themselves.


These real-life vampires come in the guise of people with  ’Passive/Aggressive Personality Disorder.’


I firmly believe that Passive/Aggressive’s fit solidly in the vampire world. I’ll explain.


Anyone who has had a relationship with a Passive/Aggressive can, I am sure, attest to this. I had a relationship with a Passive/Aggressive for years. I still carry the scars. Scars that are mainly emotional, but scars none-the-less. Trust issues being the first and foremost. People who have had Passive/Aggressive’s as lovers, friends, partners, spouses, or family members can avow that they have the same affect on you as a  vampire.


They exhaust you by constantly keeping you off-balance. You will be: lied to, bullied, manipulated, isolated…well the list can go on and on. The eventual result of all this can be a kind of death. The death of your personality, what make you, you. It becomes lost amid the everyday relentless confusion and stress of dealing with a Passive/Aggressive. If it doesn’t “kill” you, it transforms you…into a Passive/Aggressive personality…a vampire. As effortlessly as osmosis, you will absorb the very personality traits that are killing you. And unless you escape, you will become the very thing that has been draining the very life out of you.


It is not entirely hopeless. Passive/Aggressive’s can be receive counselling. Unfortunately, it is a condition that is nigh-on impossible to cure. If you are in a relationship with one, at the very least, you might find out what has caused the Passive/Aggressive traits to develop, but that will offer you no real help.


I have no ‘ray-of-light’ message to deliver. I can only say that the internet has sites that offer help and support to people who find themselves dealing with Passive/Aggressive’s on a daily basis.


Google it. It may not be too late. There are forums that can help you ‘vent’ your frustrations, ask for support, or inform you as to just what the hell is going on. Give these sites a try. They could just save your “life”


Because God knows, holy water, crucifixes and garlic aren’t going to help you.


Vampire Killing Kit
Vampire Killing Kit (Photo credit: JoshBerglund19)



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